I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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