How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
