drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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