Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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