i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
