I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
