I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
