We're like a lot better than the average bears
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we made out on top of his cat.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
