You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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