you guys were way drunker than both of me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
