when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
