i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
