dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
