I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
