I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
