I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
