you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
