party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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