I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
