i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
