I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Houston, we have a blender
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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