I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I need a beard to bite.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
