I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
is wine microwaveable?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
