while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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