Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
