Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
