Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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