Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
