life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
