my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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