My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We left the knife in your bed.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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