Already got asked if we're dating
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
