Apparently you make a good broom.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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