Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
