ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
