This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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