WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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