I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
