My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
