my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Farmville is her only friend.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
