Your dad touched me again.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
