Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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