i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
