cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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