Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
