capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
