What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Randomize
