come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
