If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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