The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
