just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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