i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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